1440 days. 3 years, 11 months and 9 days. You would think that it should be getting "easier". And yes in some respects it is. A lot easier. I don't cry every day. I do get out of bed every day. I even shower every day. I still don't always cook - although my kids are well fed and the local waitresses know us by name. Laundry still piles up (right now I have the excuse of no dryer) and my house isn't as clean as it should be. But, my kids are happy; I am working 2 jobs (equivalent of full time), bills are paid, mostly on time and I earn enough for vacations and a few "extras". So yes, we have come a long way.
But, there are still times where the tears just flow and seems no matter what I can't stop them. Sometimes it's easy to figure out why (birthdays, etc) sometimes not. Right now I think it is the "death march" as I have heard others refer to it. That dreaded few weeks before "the day", where I constantly re live in my head the what were we doing on this day; how was he feeling, did we miss any "signs" that could have been caught. Of course on my "good" days I know it doesn't really matter. His cancer was going to come back sometime, and he was not going to beat it, no matter what he thought. It was a horribly aggressive nasty ugly mess of a cancer. He stood no chance from day one. I've spent too much time looking at the medical records. I know that now. We were lucky in some respects we had the 19 months we had. VERY lucky we had the last 5 months. He should have died in January. No questions. He lived until June. A miracle, I am sure of it. As was his doctor. He told me over and over again he never should have survived that January.
Even so i just can't help my feelings and thoughts. Compound any "normal" anniversary this year it occurs on Father's Day. A double whammy for the kids. I prayed so hard the year he died that he wouldn't die ON Father's Day. Never occurred to me that the anniversary could still be on that day some years - if only he had lived another week. Oh well something still would have come up and the day would still exist, no way around it. And this year we have DS's confirmation one week before and his 8th grade graduation 3 days before. So much for him to have to go through without his Dad. So much for me to go through alone.
Tuesday I had an appointment with my totally amazing therapist. Honestly, she is the best, don't know where I would be without having her the last 3 years (yes still in therapy I guess that is another post in itself). I really wasn't feeling all that bad going in, but sat down in her chair and just cried. Yes for the whole hour. I guess I needed to "get it out". Something I can't always do with work, the kids etc etc. Still been weepy on and off all week. And today too. Monday is Memorial Day. I know that is part of it too. honoring those who gave their all. Dave HATED it when people talked about "celebrating" Memorial Day - he was adamant our kids knew it was a day we "observed" not celebrated -it wasn't about picnics, good weather and start of summer, but remembering those who died in service.
So on Monday I will head to the Veteran's Cemetery to "visit" him - not having died IN service but from a service related illness. It's a hard day. More tears I am sure.
so yes, 1440 days later it is easier. But at times the tears still flow. What i DO know now however, is that no matter what I do they will flow. But more importantly i know they will stop. So now, I can let them flow, I can let myself "feel" and know that at some point, even if I can't pin point when, I will surface again and be able to breathe, and live, without crying -even if only for a short time.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Perspective
One thing that I love most about my job, well actually pretty much every job I have had since I graduated from college, is that they without exception helped put my life into perspective.
For years I worked solely with children. Days of developmentally delayed kiddos, kiddos with life threatening illnesses, brushes with death, myriads of medical problems, all helped to put my own children's issues into perspective. So what we we were dealing with ear infections and tubes, tonsils and adenoids being removed, 15 bouts of pneumonia one winter, scheduling life so that every 4 hours we were near an electrical outlet to give neb treatments - my kids were basically healthy and meeting their developmental milestones, and most importantly, here.
I've dealt with a lot of dysfunctional families as well. So what if I had 2 step daughters, (who blessedly are still in my life and 2 of my best friends), a somewhat critical MIL and a less than perfect husband - he still loved me and the kids with all of his heart, provided for us financially and emotionally and never ever missed the opportunity to tell us he loved us. I am 100% certain that even tho he had no idea he was going to die his final words to each of us was "I love you" or "I love you too" (depending on who said what first).
During the course of this "journey" of widowhood my job has continued to convince me that no matter how bad my situation seems, there are so many who are so much worse off than me that I am indeed blessed. Perspective, even on those dark days where I was drowning in despair.
This week something however really caught me off guard. I was admitting a new patient, and going through the usual litany of question. Widowed. I can handle that one now, I don't choke up and tear over when one of my patients tells me they are widowed (took a long time, I"ve come a long way). Then the next question, how long have you been widowed, And get this, she said "it's so long I can't remember". WOW. The first year I measured by hours, then days, then weeks, and finally months. The second and third years it was still months. Now at almost 4 it is sometimes months but occasionally I find myself saying "3 1/2 " or "Almost 4" years. From the early days where I never thought I could live a week, let alone a month, it is strange to be at the "almost 4 year" point. But I never thought, and still don't think, that I could possibly get to the place of "I don't remember"
and now it's had me stewing all week. Is that a "good" place to be? would it mean i forgot him? I don't think so, this same patient has regaled me with stories of her husband, their early years, their family. She now has great great grand children, has been alone for at least 30 years from what I have been able to piece together, yet she still remembers. so that is good. but forgets how long. Still blows me away.
I don't think I want to get to the point of "i don't remember" but as I thought about it there is a fairly good certainty that I will live to be older than Dave when he died (58), will live more years without him than with (we were married 14 years 11 months to the day) so who knows.
Perspective............
For years I worked solely with children. Days of developmentally delayed kiddos, kiddos with life threatening illnesses, brushes with death, myriads of medical problems, all helped to put my own children's issues into perspective. So what we we were dealing with ear infections and tubes, tonsils and adenoids being removed, 15 bouts of pneumonia one winter, scheduling life so that every 4 hours we were near an electrical outlet to give neb treatments - my kids were basically healthy and meeting their developmental milestones, and most importantly, here.
I've dealt with a lot of dysfunctional families as well. So what if I had 2 step daughters, (who blessedly are still in my life and 2 of my best friends), a somewhat critical MIL and a less than perfect husband - he still loved me and the kids with all of his heart, provided for us financially and emotionally and never ever missed the opportunity to tell us he loved us. I am 100% certain that even tho he had no idea he was going to die his final words to each of us was "I love you" or "I love you too" (depending on who said what first).
During the course of this "journey" of widowhood my job has continued to convince me that no matter how bad my situation seems, there are so many who are so much worse off than me that I am indeed blessed. Perspective, even on those dark days where I was drowning in despair.
This week something however really caught me off guard. I was admitting a new patient, and going through the usual litany of question. Widowed. I can handle that one now, I don't choke up and tear over when one of my patients tells me they are widowed (took a long time, I"ve come a long way). Then the next question, how long have you been widowed, And get this, she said "it's so long I can't remember". WOW. The first year I measured by hours, then days, then weeks, and finally months. The second and third years it was still months. Now at almost 4 it is sometimes months but occasionally I find myself saying "3 1/2 " or "Almost 4" years. From the early days where I never thought I could live a week, let alone a month, it is strange to be at the "almost 4 year" point. But I never thought, and still don't think, that I could possibly get to the place of "I don't remember"
and now it's had me stewing all week. Is that a "good" place to be? would it mean i forgot him? I don't think so, this same patient has regaled me with stories of her husband, their early years, their family. She now has great great grand children, has been alone for at least 30 years from what I have been able to piece together, yet she still remembers. so that is good. but forgets how long. Still blows me away.
I don't think I want to get to the point of "i don't remember" but as I thought about it there is a fairly good certainty that I will live to be older than Dave when he died (58), will live more years without him than with (we were married 14 years 11 months to the day) so who knows.
Perspective............
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
his legacy
This weekend we had our 4th annual "Dave's Day" event, held at our local school. This day was envisioned by some friends in our community over 4 years ago and has been held annually to honor Dave while raising money to help our community school and our church missions. Dave was very active in our church missions, and it has been so wonderful to raise money to help causes so near and dear to his heart. As an educator and parent, the half of the money that goes to the school is awesome as well.
The first year it was really hard to participate. The event centers around basketball, Dave's favorite sport, and the one he coached for so many years. The first year just going into the gym to see the kids participating in the clinics, and all the coaches in the league and his former players helping out - well - was just too overwhelming. I could barely catch my breath and certainly could not contain the tears. Over the past few years it has gotten easier. This year wasn't too bad. A few moments, but overall I was able to hold it together. It is still overwhelming tho when I see all the people who are working so we can carry on work in his name.
One of my favorite Praise Team songs is "Lifesong" by Casting Crowns. "To reach a world in need, to be your hands and feet". This song was played at Dave's funeral service. I still can't hear it without crying. But it means so much that so many people are helping us "reach the world in need" and helping Dave's "Lifesong" still sing!!!!
The first year it was really hard to participate. The event centers around basketball, Dave's favorite sport, and the one he coached for so many years. The first year just going into the gym to see the kids participating in the clinics, and all the coaches in the league and his former players helping out - well - was just too overwhelming. I could barely catch my breath and certainly could not contain the tears. Over the past few years it has gotten easier. This year wasn't too bad. A few moments, but overall I was able to hold it together. It is still overwhelming tho when I see all the people who are working so we can carry on work in his name.
One of my favorite Praise Team songs is "Lifesong" by Casting Crowns. "To reach a world in need, to be your hands and feet". This song was played at Dave's funeral service. I still can't hear it without crying. But it means so much that so many people are helping us "reach the world in need" and helping Dave's "Lifesong" still sing!!!!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Just when you think it's getting easier......
Okay, so, I was going to try this over a year ago. Yeah, didn't get too far. So here we are with round two. We'll see how far I get this time!!!!
The further along this journey I keep thinking that someday it's going to be easy sailing again. But just when the waters seem calm, there is a whirlpool right around the corner just waiting to suck you in. Or in this case, if it's not you, it's the kids.
Both kiddos seem to be struggling right now. For different reasons. But there is nothing worse for a mama then to not be able to "make it all better" with a quick kiss and a bowl of ice cream (tho ice cream does seem to still help - even if only a little bit.....). And of course there is that "never ending question" of what are "normal" teenage issues and what is related to the death of their Dad. I know that I will never know the answer to that question. And bottom line, it doesn't really matter. When your kids are hurting it. Just. Plain. Sucks. No other way to put it........no way around it. And, no matter what I do or say, and even if the current crisis has nothing to do with grief, at the end of the day their Dad is still dead. I am still the only one here for them. Grief will be there, even if not the overwhelming number one emotion, for the rest of their lives, and will color and impact everything they experience.
Right now DS is sick, with sinus issues and yet another bout of irritable bowel. He is sitting on the couch watching sports. I just can't help but think that he would be feeling oh so much better if his Dad were sitting there with him - as I know he would be.
DD just auditioned for a role in a play, which she did not get. Although I can do a good job of consoling her (and dishing out the chocolate ice cream) again I know that there was always something about a Daddy hug or kiss that helped out - as close as we are (and believe me we have a great relationship - which I know many moms can't say about their teenage daughters) I know sometimes she just still longs to be "Daddy's Little Girl".
So, here we all are. Again at the brink of the whirlpool. Hopefully none of us will get sucked in this time, together we can hold each other tight and fight the forces. I just know the strength of 4 would have been so much better than just the 3 of us........
The further along this journey I keep thinking that someday it's going to be easy sailing again. But just when the waters seem calm, there is a whirlpool right around the corner just waiting to suck you in. Or in this case, if it's not you, it's the kids.
Both kiddos seem to be struggling right now. For different reasons. But there is nothing worse for a mama then to not be able to "make it all better" with a quick kiss and a bowl of ice cream (tho ice cream does seem to still help - even if only a little bit.....). And of course there is that "never ending question" of what are "normal" teenage issues and what is related to the death of their Dad. I know that I will never know the answer to that question. And bottom line, it doesn't really matter. When your kids are hurting it. Just. Plain. Sucks. No other way to put it........no way around it. And, no matter what I do or say, and even if the current crisis has nothing to do with grief, at the end of the day their Dad is still dead. I am still the only one here for them. Grief will be there, even if not the overwhelming number one emotion, for the rest of their lives, and will color and impact everything they experience.
Right now DS is sick, with sinus issues and yet another bout of irritable bowel. He is sitting on the couch watching sports. I just can't help but think that he would be feeling oh so much better if his Dad were sitting there with him - as I know he would be.
DD just auditioned for a role in a play, which she did not get. Although I can do a good job of consoling her (and dishing out the chocolate ice cream) again I know that there was always something about a Daddy hug or kiss that helped out - as close as we are (and believe me we have a great relationship - which I know many moms can't say about their teenage daughters) I know sometimes she just still longs to be "Daddy's Little Girl".
So, here we all are. Again at the brink of the whirlpool. Hopefully none of us will get sucked in this time, together we can hold each other tight and fight the forces. I just know the strength of 4 would have been so much better than just the 3 of us........
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I will try....
this is my first post, first try at blogging. Several people have suggested as a good way to express my thoughts as I travel this most unwelcome journey. I have followed many blogs since being widowed and found reading them incredibly helpful, so figured I would give it a shot....
Why the title I Will Try....... well, recently after a particularly stressful time someone said to me I had to take "I can't" out of my vocabulary and focus instead on "I will try". So I Will Try is on post it notes all over the house, not the FIRST time i have had similar advice; and how many times have I told my own children that "can't" is not a word in their vocabulary. So here I am, "trying" to survive, "trying" to move forward on this journey. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Why the title I Will Try....... well, recently after a particularly stressful time someone said to me I had to take "I can't" out of my vocabulary and focus instead on "I will try". So I Will Try is on post it notes all over the house, not the FIRST time i have had similar advice; and how many times have I told my own children that "can't" is not a word in their vocabulary. So here I am, "trying" to survive, "trying" to move forward on this journey. One step at a time, one day at a time.
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