National Survivors Day

Sunday was National Survivors Day, for those who "survived" cancer.   I don't know why.  But some posts and presentations of this made it seem as those who "survived" somehow did something "better" or where "more deserving" than those who didn't.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I am happy for each and every person who "beat" cancer.  And overjoyed for their family members.   Even if, I admit, I am, at times, a bit, or even more than a bit jealous.  Yes, even after almost 7 years I have my moments of "why them and why not us".  

But this brings  me to another thought.  There are many many of us out there who are "survivors" of cancer.  Even if we were not the ones who had it.

You often read that cancer affects the whole family. And yes.  It does.  Try as you might to keep things "normal" for the kids.  It.  affects.   every. one.    And those of us who were affected by cancer,  and who continue on AFTER we lost our loved one, in my mind, we too are "survivors" of cancer.

We survived the death of someone very close to us.
We continue to survive even when sometimes we don't want to.
We survive the stupid (although generally well meaning) comments
We survive the holidays
We survive the passing of milestones, the passing of years.
We survive reading the gut wrenching stories of the "new treatments" and the patients who long out lived our loved ones - the ones that bring hope, while the same time making us wonder why it didn't happen when our loved one could have benefited
We survive witnessing the torment our children go through as they mature and go through life events without their parent, or sibling, or extended family member or friend along side of them
We survive the financial hardships
We survive the devastating life events that we should have been together for
We survive illness alone

i guess my list could go on and on.  And again.  I take nothing away from those who are now cancer free.   And I take nothing from their caregivers, the ones who drastically altered their lives as they battled together.    

But I also acknowledge the rest of us who "survived", long after our loved one didn't.  When we wondered how we would survive one minute, one hour, one day.  Convinced we could never survive one year.  But we did.    So "Happy" Cancer Survivor Day - not only  to those who beat this wretched disease, but to those who where forced to survive when they lost a part of their heart.  

I want to be more than okay

that's right.  It has taken me a long time.   Almost 5 years.   But I am ready to be more than "okay".     I have been in another wave of really struggling lately.  As in really.   For actually quite some time.    Really since this time last year.   Not sure what originally set me off.   Then the house fell down - okay, it only had a HUGE hole in it, and really only part of one wall, one ceiling and the chimney felt.  But at the time it felt like the whole house!  And we were out of the house of 6 months.  And the holidays.    And bam, it's been almost a year.

Fortunately because I have a really amazing therapist and she found a really amazing psychiatrist for me (very few and far between where I live) once I FINALLY agreed with her that my meds needed tweaking (and believe me she tried for a LONG time to get me there - I was just resisting like crazy) I did some tweaking - some of which was tough- but now am back on a pretty even keel.

And several years ago I would have settled for an even keel.   A week without crying was a dream.   A day where I actually felt a moment of happiness were so rare that I often didn't recognize them, or just figured it was a blip and I'd go back to my normal very soon, and I did.  Several years ago, even last year I settled for okay.   Okay was the best I had, and it was a heck of a lot better than the first few years.  The first when year I was numb with grief.  The second year, which was so much worse than the first.  When reality hit that I didn't just have to "make it through" the first of everything (like everyone around me seemed to think - make it through the first and you'll be okay).  Making through the second made it real.  I had to make it through the 3rd, 4th, 5th, however many years I had left and it sucked.    It was real.  It was forever and I didn't want that to be my forever.   By the third year I was beginning to feel "okay" and that was good.  It was a huge improvement.  I was happy to take "okay".

Well here's the thing.   Since January I have had several episodes of feeling really good.   For more than a nano second.  Dare I say, for even several days at a time.     I have felt "content" with my life and I have felt "happy".   That's not to say it is all happy all content all of the time, nor does it mean I have forgotten my husband and that I don't still miss him.    Or that I can't have a "bad day" now and again.      But, I was at one of my weekly therapy sessions a few weeks ago, when I was again "slipping" a bit and had been for a few weeks.      And when we started with the usual "how are you" and I told her "okay", she said "just okay".  And I answered "yes", but I also told her I wasn't satisfied with okay anymore.  I was ready for "happy" or "content" more of the time.

for me that is a huge step.    First to REALIZE that I can be more than "okay" and secondly for me to WANT it.     And I am ready to work to get it.  I know that it is not going to just "happen", that I need to continue to make changes and choices.   I also know for some people it might be a long time, and for others they might say that they will never get to that place.   That's one of the sucky things about grief - no handbook and no time table.   And I know that there are some people that not only never get here, but don't want to.  And I am okay with all of that.  I am okay if I am a slow poke.   I am okay if some people think that it is "terrible" or it means I am "over" Dave.     I know that I will never be over Dave.   I know that I will love him from the bottom of my heart until the day I die.  I know that I will miss him.  I know that certain days and events will always be bittersweet.  

But for me, for now.  I am ready.   It is taking work.  But slowly I am chipping away.   I am ready for more. I am ready to be more than okay!

I don't want to be stronger.

really.  I don't.   I am strong enough.   Well, maybe a little upper body strength wouldn't be bad.  Help with those old lady flabby triceps that are starting.  Might help with all the lifting at work.....but I digress.  I am talking about emotional strength here.  And quite frankly, I think I am perfectly fine how I am.  And I don't want to get any stronger.

I was listening to the Christian music station that plays pretty much constantly in my car (except for when  my daughter is in with me and then it's Broadway) and Mandisa's song Stronger started playing.   I have heard it a million times probably but this time the lyrics really hit me:

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...


I am really tired of those waves taking me under.  And not just those waves of grief.  I am just tired of all the little things, all the big things.   I am tired of friends and acquaintances telling me how strong I am, or saying God can't give you more than you can handle, or it is going to make you stronger.   I am strong enough.  I want the "tests" to end.   I know God is there with me.  I know God will help me through this.  I know he has put amazing people in my path since Dave died who have been there for me and held me up and pulled me through.   But right now I need a break.  I don't want to be stronger.  I just want to be.   Is that asking too much?

feeling very.......

out of sorts is really the only thing I can think of.  Not good, not bad.  Not happy, not sad.  No where near as "content" as a week or so ago.  But not drowning or swimming up stream like when a really bad wave hits.  Just sort of not good, but not totally bad.

And I guess in the broad spectrum of the last 5 years that is a good thing.    Things can happen now, that bring me down a bit, but I don't get swept under and struggle to even catch my breath. At least not always.  I am not naive enough to think that the big waves won't still come crashing at times.   But,  I'm taking this as a positive.  Oh yes I would love to feel as good as I did 2 weeks ago, but I am happy to be plodding along, floundering a bit but not being pulled under.

Content - adjective: a state of peacful happiness

Content - adjective:  a state of peaceful happiness.

The last few weeks have been, like for many widows, a difficult time.  While memories swirl around us always, and the most unexpected thing can turn a perfectly "normal" day into a whirlwind of emotion and pain, those moments seem to come up more frequently with the holidays.   Any little seemingly inconsequential thing can turn into a trigger.

For me the anticipation of days has always turned out to be the actual day itself.  With one exception.  I remember all of the "firsts", Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays etc.   Weeks before I would begin to become agitated at the slightest things and worried endlessly what was going to happen and how we would all feel.  Then the actual days would come and they really weren't great, but also no where near as bad as I had anticipated.  Gradually over the past 5 years I have learned to try not to anticipate them too much, to just kind of go along and realize that like it or not the days were going to come.  And most likely I would survive, and wake up the next morning having gotten through one more of "those days". 

My one exception?   New Years Eve/ New Years Day.  For me that continues to be THE most difficult day.   You see, Dave proposed to me just after midnight that first year we were dating.  He asked me to "spend all of our New Years Eve's together for the rest of our lives".  Little did I know that would be just 15 more New Years Eves.  I have dreaded each and everyone since he died;  and each and everyone has been just as miserable as I anticipated.    

This year both my kids were invited out, both to sleep overs.  I was invited to both houses but declined.  I knew that even 5 New Years Eves later it is just too much.  I worked all day New Years Even Day.  A saw 6 patients, each of whom asked me my plans.  And each time it was all I could do to hold back the tears and say I was "just staying in", all the while thinking about how Dave had proposed to me and what a special evening it SHOULD have been.

But in I stayed.  I went to bed early and slept in late the next morning.  And it was over.   Two days later was my birthday and my kids did a wonderful job of wishing me a happy birthday as soon as they woke up, took me out to dinner and really made me happy and proud to be their mom.   Then came this weekend which we had pretty jam packed with activity.  Friday night we ran errands and had dinner out.  Yesterday we spent a wonderful day in NY City visiting a widow friend I have made through Camp Widow and 3 of her children. We got in after midnight last night/this morning, exhausted but after a very fun filled day.  I  knew I had to get to bed quickly as I had tickets today to take my daughter to see "Les Miserable" in Phila. 

And that is when it hit me.  Despite the difficulty of the holidays, despite my dislike of New Years Eve, I had had several really nice days, a wonderful visit with a dear friend and as I climbed into bed I realized I was happy.  But more than that I was content.  I have had many happy days over the last 4 1/2 years.  Increasingly more as time has gone on.  But this is the first time that I felt not just happy for a moment, but actually content.  As the definition I found says, In a state of PEACEFUL HAPPINESS. 

And you know what?  It feels GOOD!!!  Now I don't want to be negative and say that it won't last.   But I have been on this roller coaster long enough to know that things can and will change whether we like them  to or not.  BUT I also know that for the first time in 4 1/2 years I have felt content.  And that if I have felt it once, I can feel it again.  I don't know how long this is going to last.  But I sure as heck am going to enjoy it while it does.   I it gives me hope that this feeling still exists, and even if it disappears for awhile it might just come back again.  And that I know is what it is all about.Having hope.   And, sometimes, that hope comes in a state of peaceful happiness!!!!

and the tears....

are starting to flow.  I have been really pleased, and really proud of myself this holiday season.  For the first time since Dave died 4 years ago we did what WE (the kids and I ) wanted to do for Thanksgiving.  We stayed home.  It was just the 3 of us and it was quiet, peaceful and very nice.      I have Christmas planned this year too - do to what the kids want.  To stay home.  We will have my parents, sister and nephew over but won't have to leave the house until our annual night time trip to friends (which they like)  We will go to my folks the day after when my brother comes with his family, but on Christmas itself we will stay home.  Something we have never done.   We also invited a church family for Christmas eve.  they are a Coast Guard family, and for the first time ever the father is out to sea for Christmas.  They have only been here a bit over a year and have no close family.  So the mom and 3 kids will join us after the early and before midnight service.  It is different, but feels right. 

So I thought I was doing good this year.  changing things up a bit seemed to  have helped my mood.  That and a recent switch of antidepressents.  Back to an even keel.  Or so I thought.   Until today.  Until church.  The flood gates have opened and they aren't showing any signs of stopping soon.    I knew that they were bound to happen sooner or later.   I am actually dealing with it okay.  Just going with the tears, not fighting it or trying to hold it back.  That has been my game plan lately and it seems to be working. Letting it out when I need to, not trying to hold back.  And most importantly not over thinking.  And when the tears to go, I am okay - not floundering in that deep depression, not getting sucked into that black hole of grief.   

So the flood gates are open.  But I think I'm okay with it this time.  I knew they would come.  But I think I will still be standing when the tears are gone.  I think I can get through this without getting sucked down.  and that is a good feeling.  and I think might even count as progress - moving forward, at my own pace (snails crawl or so it seems) but moving forward none the less.      I think Dave would be happy, I think he would want me to be able to move forward.   I think he knows that I still miss him with every fiber of my being, and love him more today than the day he left us.  I think he would be proud of me.  And that feels good.

His Legacy - Part 2

Just over 5 months ago we experienced a horrendous storm here on the east coast.  Something called a "derecho".  Somthing I have never heard of it.  It was terrifying at the start.  Lightening which seemed like a strobe light, but no thunder.  Winds like I have never seen.    Apparently the definition of a derecho is that the winds although higher than a tornado are straight winds, they just go in a straight line shearing all in it's way.  They are very sudden and unpredictable.    After huddling with my daughter for several minutes listening to the wind and watching the lightening (It was after midnight, we had both been sleeping but woke up - my son slept through the whole thing) we heard several crashes, followed a very significant shaking of our home.  We got out of my bed to investigate and while standing in the living room to try to figure out what was going on a large oak tree crashed through our roof and right through the ceiling leaving a 6 foot limb hanging less than a foot from where we were standing.   We woke my son, were evacuated by the police (were not sure the roof wouldn't collapse).  When we returned the following morning we found our cars covered by 2 of the neighbors trees.   Two trees through our second floor roof (we think the inital shaking we felt), our chimney down, our basketball court in ruins, our fences ruined and of course the big tree through the front of the house.

We had about a week to remove all of our belongs that could be saved and store them in a POD left sitting for months in our driveway.  Thanks to many incredible friends we got the job done swiftly and smoothly.  Much was ruined and we filled 4 dumpsters.  

Fast forward to this week.  We moved home.  Our renovated home is beautiful.   But now I have the task of unloading all the boxes and finding places for all the contents.  A daunting task in itself.   Five months after the storm and 4 1/2 years after Dave died I am finding things of his I have previously not had the ability to look at.    In one box I found his application for "Teacher of the Year" which he was awarded just a month before his death.    The majority of the papers were the forms filled out by his principal, other teachers etc.  But there is also a form he filled out.  As Teacher of the Year for his school he had to apply as County teacher of the year (which he did not receive).  Part of the application was "Community Involvement".  He describes his work in the community, coaching, volunteering and his work at church. 

The last paragraph hit me like a huge wave.  I bawled like a baby for a good 30 minutes. 

"I am fortunate that my wife is very committed to community causes.  she has helped instill this awareness and involvement in our children, who are routinely involved in fundraising activities.  My one daughter has served as a volunteer at Field of Dreams, a baseball program for children with disabilities.  My son has raised over $3000 for childhood cancer through the St. Baldrick's program.  I am very proud of them and hope we have created a legacy of giving back to the community.

The bolded words are what hit me.  And what caused me to be hit with a wave of I am not sure what.   Even before his death Dave was hoping our family would be giving back.  Not knowing any of this our friends came forward and developed "Dave's Day" ,where we give to our school and church.  Not knowing this our friends and community have supported us for the past 4 years and are now planning year 5.  It affirmed for me that we have chosen exactly what Dave wanted.  A humble man he would not necessarily by happy that the day is named FOR him.  But I know now deep in my heart that we are doing JUST what he wanted and although it was not a spoken wish, or not spoken between us, just written on this "form" he had to fill out, I feel that we are indeed fulfilling his "last wish" so to speak.