1440 days. 3 years, 11 months and 9 days. You would think that it should be getting "easier". And yes in some respects it is. A lot easier. I don't cry every day. I do get out of bed every day. I even shower every day. I still don't always cook - although my kids are well fed and the local waitresses know us by name. Laundry still piles up (right now I have the excuse of no dryer) and my house isn't as clean as it should be. But, my kids are happy; I am working 2 jobs (equivalent of full time), bills are paid, mostly on time and I earn enough for vacations and a few "extras". So yes, we have come a long way.
But, there are still times where the tears just flow and seems no matter what I can't stop them. Sometimes it's easy to figure out why (birthdays, etc) sometimes not. Right now I think it is the "death march" as I have heard others refer to it. That dreaded few weeks before "the day", where I constantly re live in my head the what were we doing on this day; how was he feeling, did we miss any "signs" that could have been caught. Of course on my "good" days I know it doesn't really matter. His cancer was going to come back sometime, and he was not going to beat it, no matter what he thought. It was a horribly aggressive nasty ugly mess of a cancer. He stood no chance from day one. I've spent too much time looking at the medical records. I know that now. We were lucky in some respects we had the 19 months we had. VERY lucky we had the last 5 months. He should have died in January. No questions. He lived until June. A miracle, I am sure of it. As was his doctor. He told me over and over again he never should have survived that January.
Even so i just can't help my feelings and thoughts. Compound any "normal" anniversary this year it occurs on Father's Day. A double whammy for the kids. I prayed so hard the year he died that he wouldn't die ON Father's Day. Never occurred to me that the anniversary could still be on that day some years - if only he had lived another week. Oh well something still would have come up and the day would still exist, no way around it. And this year we have DS's confirmation one week before and his 8th grade graduation 3 days before. So much for him to have to go through without his Dad. So much for me to go through alone.
Tuesday I had an appointment with my totally amazing therapist. Honestly, she is the best, don't know where I would be without having her the last 3 years (yes still in therapy I guess that is another post in itself). I really wasn't feeling all that bad going in, but sat down in her chair and just cried. Yes for the whole hour. I guess I needed to "get it out". Something I can't always do with work, the kids etc etc. Still been weepy on and off all week. And today too. Monday is Memorial Day. I know that is part of it too. honoring those who gave their all. Dave HATED it when people talked about "celebrating" Memorial Day - he was adamant our kids knew it was a day we "observed" not celebrated -it wasn't about picnics, good weather and start of summer, but remembering those who died in service.
So on Monday I will head to the Veteran's Cemetery to "visit" him - not having died IN service but from a service related illness. It's a hard day. More tears I am sure.
so yes, 1440 days later it is easier. But at times the tears still flow. What i DO know now however, is that no matter what I do they will flow. But more importantly i know they will stop. So now, I can let them flow, I can let myself "feel" and know that at some point, even if I can't pin point when, I will surface again and be able to breathe, and live, without crying -even if only for a short time.
