are starting to flow. I have been really pleased, and really proud of myself this holiday season. For the first time since Dave died 4 years ago we did what WE (the kids and I ) wanted to do for Thanksgiving. We stayed home. It was just the 3 of us and it was quiet, peaceful and very nice. I have Christmas planned this year too - do to what the kids want. To stay home. We will have my parents, sister and nephew over but won't have to leave the house until our annual night time trip to friends (which they like) We will go to my folks the day after when my brother comes with his family, but on Christmas itself we will stay home. Something we have never done. We also invited a church family for Christmas eve. they are a Coast Guard family, and for the first time ever the father is out to sea for Christmas. They have only been here a bit over a year and have no close family. So the mom and 3 kids will join us after the early and before midnight service. It is different, but feels right.
So I thought I was doing good this year. changing things up a bit seemed to have helped my mood. That and a recent switch of antidepressents. Back to an even keel. Or so I thought. Until today. Until church. The flood gates have opened and they aren't showing any signs of stopping soon. I knew that they were bound to happen sooner or later. I am actually dealing with it okay. Just going with the tears, not fighting it or trying to hold it back. That has been my game plan lately and it seems to be working. Letting it out when I need to, not trying to hold back. And most importantly not over thinking. And when the tears to go, I am okay - not floundering in that deep depression, not getting sucked into that black hole of grief.
So the flood gates are open. But I think I'm okay with it this time. I knew they would come. But I think I will still be standing when the tears are gone. I think I can get through this without getting sucked down. and that is a good feeling. and I think might even count as progress - moving forward, at my own pace (snails crawl or so it seems) but moving forward none the less. I think Dave would be happy, I think he would want me to be able to move forward. I think he knows that I still miss him with every fiber of my being, and love him more today than the day he left us. I think he would be proud of me. And that feels good.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
His Legacy - Part 2
Just over 5 months ago we experienced a horrendous storm here on the east coast. Something called a "derecho". Somthing I have never heard of it. It was terrifying at the start. Lightening which seemed like a strobe light, but no thunder. Winds like I have never seen. Apparently the definition of a derecho is that the winds although higher than a tornado are straight winds, they just go in a straight line shearing all in it's way. They are very sudden and unpredictable. After huddling with my daughter for several minutes listening to the wind and watching the lightening (It was after midnight, we had both been sleeping but woke up - my son slept through the whole thing) we heard several crashes, followed a very significant shaking of our home. We got out of my bed to investigate and while standing in the living room to try to figure out what was going on a large oak tree crashed through our roof and right through the ceiling leaving a 6 foot limb hanging less than a foot from where we were standing. We woke my son, were evacuated by the police (were not sure the roof wouldn't collapse). When we returned the following morning we found our cars covered by 2 of the neighbors trees. Two trees through our second floor roof (we think the inital shaking we felt), our chimney down, our basketball court in ruins, our fences ruined and of course the big tree through the front of the house.
We had about a week to remove all of our belongs that could be saved and store them in a POD left sitting for months in our driveway. Thanks to many incredible friends we got the job done swiftly and smoothly. Much was ruined and we filled 4 dumpsters.
Fast forward to this week. We moved home. Our renovated home is beautiful. But now I have the task of unloading all the boxes and finding places for all the contents. A daunting task in itself. Five months after the storm and 4 1/2 years after Dave died I am finding things of his I have previously not had the ability to look at. In one box I found his application for "Teacher of the Year" which he was awarded just a month before his death. The majority of the papers were the forms filled out by his principal, other teachers etc. But there is also a form he filled out. As Teacher of the Year for his school he had to apply as County teacher of the year (which he did not receive). Part of the application was "Community Involvement". He describes his work in the community, coaching, volunteering and his work at church.
The last paragraph hit me like a huge wave. I bawled like a baby for a good 30 minutes.
"I am fortunate that my wife is very committed to community causes. she has helped instill this awareness and involvement in our children, who are routinely involved in fundraising activities. My one daughter has served as a volunteer at Field of Dreams, a baseball program for children with disabilities. My son has raised over $3000 for childhood cancer through the St. Baldrick's program. I am very proud of them and hope we have created a legacy of giving back to the community.
The bolded words are what hit me. And what caused me to be hit with a wave of I am not sure what. Even before his death Dave was hoping our family would be giving back. Not knowing any of this our friends came forward and developed "Dave's Day" ,where we give to our school and church. Not knowing this our friends and community have supported us for the past 4 years and are now planning year 5. It affirmed for me that we have chosen exactly what Dave wanted. A humble man he would not necessarily by happy that the day is named FOR him. But I know now deep in my heart that we are doing JUST what he wanted and although it was not a spoken wish, or not spoken between us, just written on this "form" he had to fill out, I feel that we are indeed fulfilling his "last wish" so to speak.
We had about a week to remove all of our belongs that could be saved and store them in a POD left sitting for months in our driveway. Thanks to many incredible friends we got the job done swiftly and smoothly. Much was ruined and we filled 4 dumpsters.
Fast forward to this week. We moved home. Our renovated home is beautiful. But now I have the task of unloading all the boxes and finding places for all the contents. A daunting task in itself. Five months after the storm and 4 1/2 years after Dave died I am finding things of his I have previously not had the ability to look at. In one box I found his application for "Teacher of the Year" which he was awarded just a month before his death. The majority of the papers were the forms filled out by his principal, other teachers etc. But there is also a form he filled out. As Teacher of the Year for his school he had to apply as County teacher of the year (which he did not receive). Part of the application was "Community Involvement". He describes his work in the community, coaching, volunteering and his work at church.
The last paragraph hit me like a huge wave. I bawled like a baby for a good 30 minutes.
"I am fortunate that my wife is very committed to community causes. she has helped instill this awareness and involvement in our children, who are routinely involved in fundraising activities. My one daughter has served as a volunteer at Field of Dreams, a baseball program for children with disabilities. My son has raised over $3000 for childhood cancer through the St. Baldrick's program. I am very proud of them and hope we have created a legacy of giving back to the community.
The bolded words are what hit me. And what caused me to be hit with a wave of I am not sure what. Even before his death Dave was hoping our family would be giving back. Not knowing any of this our friends came forward and developed "Dave's Day" ,where we give to our school and church. Not knowing this our friends and community have supported us for the past 4 years and are now planning year 5. It affirmed for me that we have chosen exactly what Dave wanted. A humble man he would not necessarily by happy that the day is named FOR him. But I know now deep in my heart that we are doing JUST what he wanted and although it was not a spoken wish, or not spoken between us, just written on this "form" he had to fill out, I feel that we are indeed fulfilling his "last wish" so to speak.
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