Just when you think it's getting easier......

Okay, so, I was going to try this over a year ago.  Yeah, didn't get too far.  So here we are with round two.  We'll see how far I get this time!!!!

The further along this journey I keep thinking that someday it's going to be easy sailing again.  But just when the waters seem calm, there is a whirlpool right around the corner just waiting to suck you in.  Or in this case, if it's not you, it's the kids.

Both kiddos seem to be struggling right now.  For different reasons.  But there is nothing worse for a mama then to not be able to "make it all better" with a quick kiss and a bowl of ice cream (tho ice cream does seem to still help - even if only a little bit.....).   And of course there is that "never ending question" of what are "normal" teenage issues and what is related to the death of their Dad.   I know that I will never know the answer to that question.  And bottom line, it doesn't really matter.  When your kids are hurting it. Just. Plain. Sucks.    No other way to put it........no way around it.   And, no matter what I do or say, and even if the current crisis has nothing to do with grief, at the end of the day their Dad is still dead.  I am still the only one here for them. Grief will be there, even if not the overwhelming number one emotion, for the rest of their lives, and will color and impact everything they experience.   

Right now DS is sick, with sinus issues and yet another bout of irritable bowel.  He is sitting on the couch watching sports.  I just can't help but think that he would be feeling oh so much better if his Dad were sitting there with him - as I know he would be.

DD just auditioned for a role in a play, which she did not get.  Although I can do a good job of consoling her (and dishing out the chocolate ice cream) again I know that there was always something about a Daddy hug or kiss that helped out - as close as we are (and believe me we have a great relationship - which I know many moms can't say about their teenage daughters)  I know sometimes she just still longs to be "Daddy's Little Girl".  

So, here we all are. Again at the brink of the whirlpool.  Hopefully none of us will get sucked in this time, together we can hold each other tight and fight the forces.   I just know the strength of 4 would have been so much better than just the 3 of us........