really. I don't. I am strong enough. Well, maybe a little upper body strength wouldn't be bad. Help with those old lady flabby triceps that are starting. Might help with all the lifting at work.....but I digress. I am talking about emotional strength here. And quite frankly, I think I am perfectly fine how I am. And I don't want to get any stronger.
I was listening to the Christian music station that plays pretty much constantly in my car (except for when my daughter is in with me and then it's Broadway) and Mandisa's song Stronger started playing. I have heard it a million times probably but this time the lyrics really hit me:
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...
I am really tired of those waves taking me under. And not just those waves of grief. I am just tired of all the little things, all the big things. I am tired of friends and acquaintances telling me how strong I am, or saying God can't give you more than you can handle, or it is going to make you stronger. I am strong enough. I want the "tests" to end. I know God is there with me. I know God will help me through this. I know he has put amazing people in my path since Dave died who have been there for me and held me up and pulled me through. But right now I need a break. I don't want to be stronger. I just want to be. Is that asking too much?
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