that's right. It has taken me a long time. Almost 5 years. But I am ready to be more than "okay". I have been in another wave of really struggling lately. As in really. For actually quite some time. Really since this time last year. Not sure what originally set me off. Then the house fell down - okay, it only had a HUGE hole in it, and really only part of one wall, one ceiling and the chimney felt. But at the time it felt like the whole house! And we were out of the house of 6 months. And the holidays. And bam, it's been almost a year.
Fortunately because I have a really amazing therapist and she found a really amazing psychiatrist for me (very few and far between where I live) once I FINALLY agreed with her that my meds needed tweaking (and believe me she tried for a LONG time to get me there - I was just resisting like crazy) I did some tweaking - some of which was tough- but now am back on a pretty even keel.
And several years ago I would have settled for an even keel. A week without crying was a dream. A day where I actually felt a moment of happiness were so rare that I often didn't recognize them, or just figured it was a blip and I'd go back to my normal very soon, and I did. Several years ago, even last year I settled for okay. Okay was the best I had, and it was a heck of a lot better than the first few years. The first when year I was numb with grief. The second year, which was so much worse than the first. When reality hit that I didn't just have to "make it through" the first of everything (like everyone around me seemed to think - make it through the first and you'll be okay). Making through the second made it real. I had to make it through the 3rd, 4th, 5th, however many years I had left and it sucked. It was real. It was forever and I didn't want that to be my forever. By the third year I was beginning to feel "okay" and that was good. It was a huge improvement. I was happy to take "okay".
Well here's the thing. Since January I have had several episodes of feeling really good. For more than a nano second. Dare I say, for even several days at a time. I have felt "content" with my life and I have felt "happy". That's not to say it is all happy all content all of the time, nor does it mean I have forgotten my husband and that I don't still miss him. Or that I can't have a "bad day" now and again. But, I was at one of my weekly therapy sessions a few weeks ago, when I was again "slipping" a bit and had been for a few weeks. And when we started with the usual "how are you" and I told her "okay", she said "just okay". And I answered "yes", but I also told her I wasn't satisfied with okay anymore. I was ready for "happy" or "content" more of the time.
for me that is a huge step. First to REALIZE that I can be more than "okay" and secondly for me to WANT it. And I am ready to work to get it. I know that it is not going to just "happen", that I need to continue to make changes and choices. I also know for some people it might be a long time, and for others they might say that they will never get to that place. That's one of the sucky things about grief - no handbook and no time table. And I know that there are some people that not only never get here, but don't want to. And I am okay with all of that. I am okay if I am a slow poke. I am okay if some people think that it is "terrible" or it means I am "over" Dave. I know that I will never be over Dave. I know that I will love him from the bottom of my heart until the day I die. I know that I will miss him. I know that certain days and events will always be bittersweet.
But for me, for now. I am ready. It is taking work. But slowly I am chipping away. I am ready for more. I am ready to be more than okay!
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